Willow dropped the girl's lifeless, mangled form to the ground.  The violence of the kill had done nothing to sate her rage.  The fucking minion was nowhere to be found.  When she managed to locate him, she was going to make him wish she'd shown him the mercy of a quick, brutal death.  It had taken her weeks to find a suitable "in" to the Slayer's inner circle.  Now all that hard work was for naught.

That little Slayer whore was going to pay for what she did to her Master.  And Puppy would pay too.  Willow laughed darkly to herself.  Puppy was damned sure going to be punished for being a traitorous little bitch. With any luck, her plans for both of them were already beginning to take shape, although still not fast enough for her taste.

Willow loathed asking for help, it was an inexcusable sign of weakness, especially to vampires.  She would be compromising her position as Master by asking for outside assistance, but this was simply too important to risk.  Swallowing her pride, she quickly headed for her lair.  Without that damned football jock, she had no other choice.

***

Angel leafed through the ancient tome, pausing occasionally to scribble notes onto a legal pad.  Across the table, Giles was doing the same.  Their research session on Larry's behalf was far less dire than they would have thought.  Finding several promising leads, they were guardedly hopeful that the mindless minion could be returned to their fold.  Stiff from hunching over the table, Angel leaned back in his chair, taking a deep breath.

Giles watched the vampire as he stretched.  "All in all," the Watcher said, "this has been a far more productive endeavor than I had anticipated."

"Yes," Angel agreed, "I didn't expect to find anything that would make me think Larry's condition could be reversed.  Your library is quite impressive."

Taking off his classes to polish them, Giles cleared his throat. "Angel, perhaps I could have a word with you."

Angel sensed the change in the Watcher's demeanor.  This definitely had something to do with Buffy.  "Of course," he replied calmly.

"I'm not sure it is my place to discuss this with you," the Watcher said solemnly, "but it doesn't seem that anyone else is in a position to either.  I know you care for Buffy.  I just want a reassurance that you will be ... careful with her."

Angel met his gaze but remained silent as he sensed Giles going on the offensive.

"I know that you've stayed the night with Buffy," Giles said, "but I don't know how far your physical relationship with her has truly progressed.  I would just like you to keep in mind how very young and sheltered she her life has left her.  You are much older than she and I want to make sure she doesn't get hurt."

Angel bristled.  He knew Giles concerns were well placed, but he didn't like the idea of another male taking a vested interest in Buffy's sex life.  "I am well aware of our age difference," he stated evasively.

"Are you?" Giles asked skeptically, his voice taking on a dangerous tinge.  "I know she makes you feel young again, Angel, there's no way she couldn't.  She's so terribly vital, but you are centuries older than she.  But the age difference isn't the only generation gap.  Even for her years, Buffy is in some respects very immature."

"I am not going to hurt her," Angel countered defensively.  Giles nodded, but didn't say anything.  Angel mentally scrambled to discern what had happened to change the Watcher's attitude towards him.  After their initial conversation about his past, Giles had always seemed supportive of his relationship with Buffy.  "Did something happen that you aren't telling me about?" Angel questioned pointedly.

Without a word, the Watcher rose from the table.  He walked into his office, his entire body stiff with tension as he retrieved a book. Scrutinizing the vampire's reactions carefully, Giles threw the aged tome on the table in front of Angel.  Dropping his gaze to the book, the vampire studied the text carefully, sitting back with a heavy sigh as he realized what it was.

"This book was sent to me anonymously.  I had heard of it in the past, but I must say its subject material never piqued my interest.  The note that came attached to it persuaded me to make a closer study, for Buffy's sake.  Do you care to explain?" Giles asked tightly.

"I assume you've read it," Angel replied caustically.  "What exactly would you like me to explain?  There aren't any illustrations, but if memory serves correctly the author's descriptions are so thorough you should be able to muddle through."

"Damn you!" the normally calm Watcher shouted, his face red.  "This is serious.  I need reassurances that you have no intention of doing any of these ... these ... lurid acts with ... to Buffy."

Angel hung his head in shame, his indignation fading in the face of Giles' well meaning concern.  "I assure you, Mr. Giles," he said softly, "I was not the one who did these things.  It was the demon.  I find no pleasure in causing misery to another human being.  And as for those acts, I assure you I have not engaged in anything of the like since regaining my soul."

Some of Giles' anger seemed to dissipate.  The creature before him had never done anything that would make him think he intended the Slayer harm, much the opposite.  It was just that the author's accounts of Angelus's more sordid tastes terrified him.  "I apologize," Giles finally said.  "I was out of line.  It is just that she is still so terribly ... fragile.  It is very obvious that you are her first love and the potential for pain there is so great."

"No need to apologize," Angel said calmly.  "You have every right to be concerned.  Your primary duty is to see to her safety.  I do, however, assure you that I would never do anything to cause her pain.  I would give my life to protect her."

Giles nodded wearily.  "Perhaps we should finish this tomorrow."

"Yes.  I agree," Angel said, rising to his feet.

***

Buffy looked at her deeply troubled lover.  They were in her bed getting ready to go to sleep when he had handed her an old book.  "What is it?" she asked wary of the expression on his face.

"A journal."

"Whose?"

"The journal of a very decent Catholic man living in London in the 1860's.  Giles found it somewhere."

"And what's in it?" she queried cautiously, unsure of whether she truly wanted the answer to that question.

"It is a painstakingly detailed account of the atrocities visited upon his family by a sadistic demon.  It is an incredibly descriptive account of how he watched his wife and all his daughters raped, tortured and murdered before his eyes."

"How did Giles get it?" Buffy asked.

"It circulated in various forms for more than a century.  For the most part it's a curiosity, regarded as some sort of fictional sadomasochistic horror erotica.  As for how Giles came in possession of  it, who knows?  The Watcher's Counsel is full of men of ... unusual tastes, perhaps one of them sent it to him."

"Fiction?" Buffy parroted carefully.

"That is generally what it is regarded as, yes," Angel said evasively, refusing to meet her gaze as he paced around the room like a caged animal.

Buffy took a deep breath, watching her lover's uneasy demeanor.  "Is it?"

"No," he said softly.

Buffy noted his tense posture, the subtle shaking of his balled fists.  To anyone else, he may have seemed composed, but not to her.  Angel was very troubled by the contents of this book.  "Were you the demon in the journal?" she asked insightfully.

His eyes shot to hers, but only moments later, dropped to the floor with a gesture that seemed the epitome of guilt  "Yes,” he admitted feely.  “The minister was an exceedingly gifted writer.  His terror and misery are so palpable in the text," he trailed off as he was lost in memories.  Shaking his head, as if to clear it, he continued, "I left him alive so he could record every horrific detail of what I did to his wife and daughters."

"It's all ... true, then?"

"Yes," he stated plainly.  His voice sounded hollow to his own ears, foreign.  He was numb, so numb that he could talk about these things as if he hadn't experienced them first hand.  It was the only way he could keep himself from going mad.  "Of course, it's only part of the story.  His daughters were beautiful, pure creatures.  He doted on them freely, but his youngest, Drusilla was his favorite.  She was also Angelus' favorite.  I drove her mad.  She fled to a convent and on the day she took her holy orders, I turned her into a vampire.  Her father didn't know I had turned her, he only knew his youngest child was dead.  After he gave the journal to others for safekeeping, Drusilla and I hunted him down.  I let her kill her father as a treat before I beat her bloody and fucked her unconscious."

Buffy's hands were shaking as she held the book.  "Why are you showing me this?" she whispered, tears in her eyes.

His head snapped up and some internfal fire lit his eyes.  "Because I need you to understand what you're doing by letting me into your life, by allowing me in your bed.  I don't want you to have any illusions about me being a good man.  I am a beast, a vicious, sadistic beast."

"I'm not reading it," she said brashly, throwing the book to the floor where is landed with a resounding thud.

Angel stared at her in bewilderment.  He'd fully expected her to read it and then stake him on the spot.  He wouldn't have even tried to stop her.  "What do you mean you're not going to read it?"

"Exactly what I said," she declared, sticking out her chin defiantly.  "This book doesn't matter.  That wasn't you.  It was the demon.  These acts are horrid, but it doesn't have anything to do with us."

"It's all true," he hissed in frustration.  "Every sordid act, every vicious description.  They are all real, committed by my hand."

She watched him mutely for a long moment.  Slowly, she approached him, careful not to make any sudden moves.  With deliberate moves, she took his large hand in her much smaller one and placed a tender kiss on the palm.  As he watched, disbelieving, she turned and crawled into the bed they shared and pulled down the covers on his side in invitation.  She smiled sweetly at him before switching off the bedside lamp and settling under the covers.  In the dark she said quietly, "If you're looking for someone to judge you, go somewhere else.  I love you. I want you in my bed.  I don't care about the past.  Now, please get under the covers and go to sleep."

To his own amazement, Angel complied wordlessly.  He couldn't stop a relieved sigh from escaping his lips as the Slayer snuggled easily against him and fell asleep.  For some unknown reason she trusted him absolutely and he was ever so thankful for it.

***

"Mistress," Jonathan whispered meekly, "we've got him."

Willow nodded curtly, taking the phone and glaring at the fledgling until he retreated.  She took a deep unneeded breath.  “How would you like to visit southern California?" she asked in a saccharine sweet voice.

He snorted loudly into the receiver.  "Why on earth would I want to do that?"

"Because we can help each other out.  I have something you want and you have something I want," Willow replied.

"And what is it that you want from me?" he asked, wary of the Master’s favoured childe.

"You've killed Slayers before, I have one I need taken care of," she explained.

"Sounds promising, but why would I want to help a cold blooded bitch like you?"

She laughed lightly, deeply pleased that her reputation had preceded her.  "I have the power to fix your broken princess," she explained, knowing it was a risk.  According to everything she’d heard, Drusilla might very well be dead by now.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" he demanded.

"Your Sire, Spike, the one with the nasty soul.  He's here.  I'll give him to you so you can restore Drusilla, provided of course, that you get rid of the little Slayer cunt for me."

"It'll take me a few weeks to get there," he said before slamming down the phone.

Willow leaned back in her chair, savoring the lovely feeling of anticipation that was spreading throughout her body.  The blood lust in Spike’s voice at the mere mention of Angel let her know that he’d do anything to see his Sire pay.  Willow wasn’t sure that Drusilla could be cured, Spike probably wasn’t either, but he was apparently willing to take a gamble.  “Jonathan,” she called.

“Yes, Mistress?”

“Has my newest pet arrived yet?” she asked in a singsong voice.

“Yes,” Jonathan answered in a very clipped tone of voice.

Following the decimation of both Xander and the Master, Willow had been forced to take on the weak vampire as a consort for sheer lack of any alternatives.  She silently rued the decided lack of female vampires as she mentally prepared herself for her new pet.  Males were always such a bother.  Jonathan was about to be replaced, and he was being very pissy about the whole ordeal.  Perhaps she could beat the insolence out of him.  Yes, she thought cheerily, I’ll play with my new pet and then we’ll discipline Jonathan.  It would be doubly humiliating for the lippy little vampire to be beaten by a human.

***

Several nights later, Oz sat guard over his closest friend who was pacing inside of the cage mindlessly.  He knew that this was what he looked like three nights out of every month and it hit home.  "I know how you feel, man," Oz said, knowing that his words would have no affect on Larry.

***

Despite Buffy's adamant refusal to believe her lover's demon's actions had any relevance to the person he now was, things between the two were strained.  The night of his confession of Angelus's treatment of Drusilla, Angel had fallen asleep holding the tiny Slayer tightly against his chest.  He had, however, woken alone the following evening, and he had not stayed the night with her for over a week.

Buffy wasn't intentionally trying to hurt him, but she had not been totally unaffected by the revelations contained in the journal of Drusilla's father.  Curiosity had gotten the best of her, and protests forgotten, she read the text.  It had disturbed her deeply, though not for the reasons that Angel, or even Giles would have thought.

The Slayer in her had been prepared for the details of Angelus's systematic crippling of the virtuous young girl.  Buffy's former Watcher had made sure she was intimately acquainted with the more calculatingly vicious side of her nightly prey.  She was well aware that especially for the older vamps, that their most effective weapons were often neither fangs nor forged arms, but the mind.  That had certainly been the case with Angelus.  While he had undoubtedly been a talented hunter, and skilled fighter, his true gifts lay in the devious and terminal games he played with his victims.  He had savored every kill.

But, as stated before, that wasn't what piqued Buffy's concern.  She wasn't startled by what a vicious bastard Angelus was.  She was startled by his blatant obsession with the young girl.  The innocent who eventually became his childe and consequently his willing bedpartner.  For decades she had been his constant companion.  Did he miss her?

Had Giles not uncovered that book, Buffy would never have known a thing about Drusilla or consequently, Angelus's obsession with her.  Angel had never mentioned it.  He had never mentioned anything of his previous life. Even his confessions about the abuse he received at Willow's hand had to be pried from him.  It made her worry how much more he wasn't telling her.

Armed with suspicions and curiosity, she had snuck into the library on several different occasions and pored through Giles' books.  Just when she'd been ready to give up hope, she came across several detailed references to Drusilla and Angelus.  The Slayer's heart sank when she read the accounts of their lives together.  Not that they were alone.  Angelus's Sire, Darla, and Drusilla's childe, William the Bloody, were with the pair as well.

That knowledge was the reason for Buffy's recent avoidance of her lover.  The accounts in Giles' books had been almost as detailed as the journal, although far more intimate in nature.  The passages had contained intimate descriptions of what was known of Angelus, Darla, and Drusilla's sex lives.  It seemed that though Drusilla sometimes occupied herself with her childe, that both of the women were former consorts of Angelus.  Apparently both Darla and Drusilla were every bit as renowned for their sexual appetites as Angelus himself.

Drusilla had initially been the focus of Buffy's research, but it soon shifted to the other woman, Darla.  Darla, of whom Angel had never spoken.  His Sire.  The female who had been his constant companion for a century and a half.  The beautiful, worldly creature who managed to keep him entertained in bed for tens of thousands of nights.

One of the texts had contained daguerreotypes of both Darla and Drusilla.  Studying the immaculately beautiful images presented before her, Buffy touched her scarred lips sadly.

***

Giles looked up when he heard the library door swing open and watched as the distracted Slayer made her way over to the table at which he sat.  She looked awful, huge dark circles beneath her eyes.  Angel hadn't looked much better when he'd been by a couple of hours earlier, and the Watcher correctly assumed that things between the couple were not going smoothly.

Hoping to cheer the Slayer, Giles broke the silence.  "I believe we've found a reversal spell for Larry's condition.  It can be performed at the next full moon."  The Slayer seemed not to hear him.  "Buffy," he said quietly, gently brushing his fingers along her arm.

She jumped at the contact, her attention snapping back to the present. "Oh," she spit out, a bit embarrassed by her behavior, "yeah, that's great."

"Buffy, are you all right?"

She looked at him for the first time that evening.  Her expression told him without a doubt that things were not all right.

***

Angel was out patrolling, or at least that's what he was supposed to be doing.  He was really looking for Buffy.  She had been extremely distant all week and he needed to know what was wrong.  He was also worried that in her current state of perpetual distraction that she would be hurt on patrol.  His search took him near the Bronze, which, as usual, was quiet.  Both teenage and vampire activity in Sunnydale since the Master's death was still almost nonexistent.

Suddenly he was overwhelmed by an odd sensation.  He stopped moving, training all of his senses on determining the origin of his unease.  The sensation didn't seem to have a clear focus, it was more like a lingering scent of something oddly familiar.  Forcing himself to calm down, he tried to assess the situation rationally.  But the only conclusion he could come to was definitely one that didn't make sense.  Drusilla perhaps, or ... Darla.

He thought for a moment he might be losing his mind.  He had been assured by the Watcher that his eldest childe had been killed on the European continent some years earlier, and Darla was killed in Nest's initial attempt to open the Hellmouth.  If those things were true, what was he sensing?

Then, as suddenly as it had appeared, the sensation seemed to pass.  Frantically he swept the entire area for a clue as to what had happened.  He searched and searched again.  On his third sweep he found something he had missed.  A broken and battered doll lying  in a puddle.  He didn't need to study it to know whose it was.  But his childe had not been alone, a century of separation could not dull his recognition of his Sire's scent.

Taking off at full speed, Angel raced for the library to warn Giles and Buffy.

***

Giles watched mutely as Buffy shrugged out of  her backpack, setting it on the table in front of him.  From the pack, she removed the journal he gave Angel a week earlier and handed it to him.  Flustered, Giles managed to ask, "Where did you get this?"

Her sad eyes locked with his.  "Angel," she said plainly

Blinking several times in disbelief, the Watcher stuttered, "H-h-he gave, uh, this book to you?"

"Yes."

"Why?" he asked incredulously as he looked at the journal.

"He wanted me to know just how much of a monster he is," she stated said.

Giles swallowed harshly and nodded his head.  This explained it.  The vampire had shown her this book and it had naturally caused tension between the two.  "Buffy, you have to understand this was his demon ..."

"I understand that completely," she interrupted.

"But there is a problem between the two of you?" Giles asked, though it wasn't really a question.

Yes," she said, sitting down heavily, "but not for the reason you think, or Angel thinks."

"And what would that be?"

"I'm not disgusted, or mad, or even freaked out that Angelus did those things.  I mean, yeah, most of them are really twisted, but that wasn't Angel.  I know how nasty vamps can be.  Ms. Crossgate had me study all the journals she could find of Watchers whose Slayers were killed,"  she explained.

Giles couldn't breathe.  Crossgate had actually given Buffy journals of Watchers with Slayers who were cut down in the line of duty to study?  That worthless, sadistic bitch.  No wonder Buffy was so lost most of the time, no wonder she'd been an uncaring automaton when she arrived in Sunnydale.  Giles knew he had to let that particular issue drop – for now.  This conversation wasn't about Evelyn Crossgate.  "Then why are things strained between you and Angel?" the Watcher pried.

"I just ...," she said, idly kicking at a piece of dirt on the floor. "I just wonder how many other things he hasn't told me."

Unable to follow her reasoning, Giles asked, "Such as?"

"Well, I mean, he was really obsessed with Drusilla, like totally."

He still wasn't following.  "And?"

Exasperated, she huffed at her Watcher.  He could be so dense.  "Vamps are demons, right?"

"Yes."

"But they take on the characteristics and memories of the body they inhabit, right?"

"Yes."

She stared at him like that should have explained it all.  As the furrow in his brow deepened, Buffy tried to explain, "So by reason, if Angelus was so obsessed with Drusilla, then it's entirely possible that she was the kind of girl that Angel really likes."

Flustered, the Watcher said, "I, uh, suppose so, Buffy, but I really don't see what this has to do with you and Angel."

Rising from the chair to pace, Buffy continued, knowing she would have to confess.   "I snuck in here, after hours.  I read through your books.  I know about Angel's ... Angelus' past."

Silently chiding himself for not hiding those books better, Giles prompted, "And?"

"I read about Darla, and Drusilla and the things Angelus did ... with them."

"Buffy -," he started, only to be cut off.

Bounding out of her chair, Buffy turned to face him, obviously in acute misery.  "Why would he want me, Giles?"

The Watcher was stunned.  "I'm sorry, Buffy, I don't understand what you're asking.  What do you mean 'why would he want you'?"

She laughed sarcastically, "Sure!  Like no one sees it.  I saw their pictures, Giles.  They were beautiful, and immortal, and very well versed in certain forms of ... entertainment."

"They were creatures, Buffy.  Monsters," Giles said firmly, disgusted that such a wonderful young woman would feel outdone by a couple of vampire whores.

"Monsters that he lived with for decades.  Monsters that knew him better than I will ever know him.  Monsters that he stayed with because he wanted them, not because he was being forced by The Powers That Be to help them.  Why would he want me?  Why would he want some plain little girl with a big scar on her face who is almost twenty and has never had a boyfriend.  Hell, Cordy  used to tell me all the time I look like a dyke.  That must be some turn on.  I wonder how he can bring himself to touch me."

"What are you talking about?" Angel bellowed.

Both Watcher and Slayer turned quickly towards the vampire.  Neither of them had been aware of his presence until his outburst.  Quickly rising from his chair, Giles spit out, "Yes, uh, well, I'll be in my office."

Watching Giles desert her, Buffy suddenly felt very alone.  She'd been avoiding this confrontation with Angel for days.  Somehow in her head when she played it out, she was always the one who was mad, that didn't seem to be the case now as the glowering vampire closed in on her.

"Buffy," he hissed over partial fangs, "what are you talking about?"

She wasn't going to let him take the upper hand.  Defiantly, she took a step back from him and met his gaze, unafraid, "Well, you were obviously eaves dropping. You heard what I said."

"I wasn't eaves dropping," he clarified.  "I came here to warn you and Giles about a few things I discovered."

Trying to change the subject, Buffy asked, "Like what?  Did you find where Willow is hiding?"

"No," he bit out, then took a deep breath.  His anger seemed to recede as his features softened.  This wasn't going to go well, especially in light of what he'd just overheard her tell her Watcher.  "No, I didn't find out where Willow is.  I came to warn you that there are some more vamps in town."

"What kind of vamps?" Buffy asked, wary of his quick change in mood.

"Drusilla and Darla," he said so quietly she almost couldn't hear.

"Great!" Buffy shouted, turning quickly and grabbing her backpack off of the table before she headed out the door.

Sighing, Angel ruefully realized this was only the beginning of their problems.  "Giles," he called wearily, "you can come out now.  I need some help."

[end chapter]

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